Dress 21 – Reflection

So in January 2016 I started the project “without fruit”.

I reflected on my whole life situation and realized that the exhibition in Houston Texas triggered my life crisis. Inwardly I wanted my art, the external financial circumstances dictated a different path. Thus, an energy-sapping dispute arose within me that ended in fatigue, bitterness and frustration.

I took my circumstances into my own hands and faced the processing of my childlessness.

The different parts of the skirt flowed together and one dress was created. The thoughts, feelings and emotions suddenly bubbled up with great force.

Change meant work!

Reflection

From different parts (top, bottom and petticoat) became one skirt.

Reflection

Design of the dress

Reflection

Preparation and cutting of the diamond quilt pieces

Reflection

Sorting and choice of buttons

Reflection

Testing the quilt stitches on fabric

Dress 22 – Thoughts

The stream of thoughts, feelings and emotions felt like a roller coaster ride. It was overwhelming and frightening.

I had to channel this explosive flood into tolerable channels. I decided to process backwards by first dealing with the churning thoughts of skirts 20 through 16, like failure, anger, despair and bitterness!

There was a lot to clean up!

Thoughts

The skirt contains parts of the skirts 20 to 16 for the correspondingly agitated thoughts.

Thoughts

Sorting and choice of buttons for the dress

Thoughts

Sewn and quilted before putting the dress together

Thoughts

Stichting on buttons

Thoughts

Backside of the dress

Dress 23 – Feelings

After processing the thoughts, the feelings of the skirts 15 to 11 followed.

These feelings already sat a little deeper. I realized that at that time I had resumed my old intense life, a kind of escape from the feelings. I was constantly on the go, being the crazy aunt with the outlandish ideas. A role that helped me get over so much.

After each trip, the deep pain and bitter disappointment caught up with me again. I could not put down roots.

Despite many adventures, I was a lonely person!

Feelings

The feelings bubbled up like the buttons on the dress.

Feelings

Choice of fabric and threads

Feelings

Choice of fabric and threads

Feelings

Stiching buttons onto the dress all by machine

Feelings

Stichting several pieces onto the dress

Dress 24 – Emotions

The confrontation of thoughts and feelings was an intense and stressful experience. Now I stood in front of the skirts 10 to 2. My inner voice ordered me to run.

But I stayed and allowed the deeply hidden emotions.

I dove into the darkest corners of my soul and literally relived the whole time – the enormous monthly disappointments, the endless urge inside me to give birth to a child, feelings ranging from sky-high to devastated, melancholy, inner turmoil, deep pain, all the tears I had never shed, joy and hope.

Much was reflected in daily life. I took a vacation and retreated to my sewing studio for this inner struggle.

An intensive debate!

Emotions

The deeply hidden emotions bubbled up like the buttons on the dress.

Emotions

Choice of buttons for the dress

Emotions

Stitching on buttons all by machine

Emotions

Preparing diamond quilt pieces for the dress

Emotions

Preparing buttons for the shoulderpart

Dress 25 – letting go

Now I was standing in front of the first skirt, my wedding dress – love, hope, joy.

The moment had come to let go of my heart’s desire to have a child.

All these years I was afraid to face this moment. I realized that I had buried this desire years ago, what remained was the infinite deep pain that held me captive for over 30 years. I lived inside a cage, although I traveled around the world and had many adventures.

Although you never existed, I did not want to lose you, you were and are a part of me.

Now I could let you go!

Letting go

The moment had come to finally let go of my heart's desire to have a child.

Letting go

Cutting the diamond quilt pieces

Letting go

Finisching the diamond quilt pieces for the dress

Letting go

Quilting and stitching on the zipper

Letting go

Quilted fabric before cutting the dress

Dress 26 – forgiveness

Now I stood there, everything had got its place.

What remained was a tightly laced corset. It fit under any dress and took my breath away. To break these last chains, there was one more thing!

I had to forgive myself!

Now I was finally free!

Forgiveness

A tight-fitting corset laced me still the last breath

Forgiveness

Front closure of the corset

Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Rods and bolt cutters for the corset

Forgiveness

Fixing the eyelets on the corset

The professional pictures for the remaining dresses are currently in progress!

Dress 27 – a breath of nothing

I had made peace with myself!

The past had been dealt with, the future didn’t exist yet. There was only the moment and the infinite inner peace.

The enormous feeling of freedom was overwhelming. The first step without luggage felt so fragile and inexperienced.

The skirt was made of fine organza, sheer and light.

It felt like a breath of nothing!

a breath of nothing

everything was finished, what was left was a thin organza shirt

a breath of nothing

cutting the shirt of organza

a breath of nothing

one diamond quilt piece

a breath of nothing

finished skirt

a breath of nothing

working on the skirt

Dress 28 – new paths

The wounds and the deep pain had to heal.

On the one hand, I felt the strong pull of the old familiar life patterns, on the other hand, I felt the breeze of spring, of emergence. I could breathe again. The infinite life energy flowed through my veins again.

I had the strength for my life’s journey again!

new paths

sweing the skirt

new paths

Design of the skirt

new paths

sewing the skirt

new paths

choosing of the buttons

new paths

choosing the threads

Dress 29 – first choice

I had to reinvent myself again. Many things no longer fitted.

My attitude to life had changed. I often did things to show others what I was capable of.
Now I did things because I wanted to.

So I realized that my art was a tool for processing. Now I had to let go of patchwork and quilting in this form.

Now art was simply art again!

first choice

working on the dress

first choice

working on the decoration

first choice

choosing decoration

first choice

choosing buttons

first choice

working on the buttons

Dress 30 – in full bloom

My journey began with the most beautiful dress of a woman, the wedding dress.

For the final skirt – the crowning glory – I took my own wedding dress out of the wardrobe. I took it apart and sewed it back together. That skirt is me today.

There were moments when I was so lost, so far away from myself. I had to dive deep into my feelings and emotions to find myself again. Now everything has become a part of me.

When you see me, you see my art

           when you see my art, then you see me!

in full bloom

my own wedding dress before I took it apart, photo to follow with the redone dress

in full bloom

working on the dress

in full bloom

working on the dress

in full bloom

working on the dress

in full bloom

working on the dress

Statistics “without fruit”

The kept statistics of the consumed material gives another look behind the scenes of the project.